Righteous?
by fanasaurus12
Summary: You are Dean in episodes 'I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here' and 'The Purge'. (S9E1 & S9E13) Curse words in story. Lots of angst.
1. One

**Hey. Sorry for disappearing, but I was on vacation and it is really difficult to post on an iPad. But, here was a thing I got while being on the road for five hours each day.**

He was so still. So still, lying on the hospital bed. You could barely look at him without feeling guilt.

 _If only you had found out the truth sooner._

When the doctor came to tell you there was no hope, you snapped. Yelled even. You knew that it wasn't fair, but when he said that there was nothing to do. For you to just _sit around_ while he was dying made you so _angry_. He was still alive!

Couldn't the doctor see that?

Then he had _asked_ you to give up.

You would never, _ever_ do that. Not while there was still a chance.

You couldn't just sit there and watch him die. You can't just sit there and feel like a useless idiot who can't let go. Can't just let him die.

You'd rather die instead.

So then, you pray. You pray to Cas to anyone who would listen because there was still hope and you were never going to give up.

Ever.

When nobody replies, you feel like giving up.

No hope.

You were so friggin' stupid.

Who would want to help you?

Not _you_ \- the person who couldn't even protect the people you loved.

But you couldn't give up.

Your job, your whole life, has been spent helping people saving people, keeping them alive.

Keeping him alive.

Then Ezekiel arrives and you nearly feel relieved even though you know better.

Cas calls and you feel so relieved, you ask Cas to come because he can make it all better.

Yes, Cas can fix this, he'll always come through.

You try not to feel disappointed when he says he has no power, and betrayed when he says he will not come.

Because of another angel.

You try not to let disgust color your tone when you accept that Cas isn't coming.

You do, however, feel hope when Cas says Ezekiel can be trusted.

A good soldier, Cas said.

Ezekiel comes into the room with you and you feel like something is finally going right. Everything would be okay.

You finally feel like this was going to get resolved happily for once.

Ezekiel reveals that he can't help, that the damage is too intense and you feel like screaming.

What use was he if he couldn't heal?

If only you had tried harder to kill that hellhound when you had gotten the chance.

If only you had found out earlier.

If only you had tried harder _somehow_.

There had to be another way to save him. There had to be, there was always another way.

Ezekiel says that he could heal him, that there was another way, and you could kiss him. You really could.

But you won't and you squash that down deep.

Then Ezekiel says that he would have to possess your brother in order to heal from the inside.

The first reaction you had was horror.

Possession had always been a bad thing, but during the Apocalypse days it had become worse.

Possession was _never_ going to happen, especially with your brother. Not after Lucifer, not after the who knows how many years in the Cage. Not after being possessed by a demon all those years ago.

He was never going to relinquish control to someone so they could control his body and he would be forced to watch as they did things he couldn't stop.

You laughed and said so.

He was never going to say yes.

It was the only reason the Earth was still alive so far.

But if he didn't say yes, if he didn't agree...

He was going to die.

That was unacceptable. That was not an option, that was never an option, not when it came to you.

It was your job. Your purpose, and you would be damned (again!) if he ever died.

Again.

You had failed before, hadn't you?

Watched as the knife slipped through his back and held his cold dead body.

You had watched and cried and yelled in anger at his dead body. Two days of inescapable grief and anger.

Two days of being so, so alone and you hated yourself for not being better.

Never again.

 _But he'll hate you._ A little voice at the back of his head said, _Hate you for ever and ever and_ _ **ever**_ _._

 _Possession is the worst thing, not being in control o_ _f your own body, of your mind._

You knew that.

You knew that, you did, you really really did, but your brother was _dying_.

Dying while you could still do something, anything to stop it.

Anything at all, your brother would never be dead.

You had promised to yourself, never again.

Never again, never again, never again.

"He'll never say yes." You say.

"Your brother will die if he isn't healed."

It was wrong.

Wrong, bad, evil even.

You remembered how Lucifer had been and shuddered. You couldn't even begin to imagine how it had been for him.

Ezekiel, wanting you to make your decision, showed you your brother's mind.

You stepped back, reeling.

How?

How could your brother want to die?

Leave you?

 _Again._

Hadn't you both agreed that he would live?

Hadn't you said that there was nothing you wouldn't do to keep him safe? Alive?

It stung like betrayal and you caught Ezekiel's eyes.

Your brother wanted to die.

"Your brother would say yes to you."

Would he?

You remembered the night of the church, and he would.

He would say yes to you.

But that would be tricking him.

 _Tricking him into staying alive._ The voice says. _Lying to him so you won't be alone._

You tell it to shut up.

Wasn't possession about permission? Wasn't it about consensual agreement?

It would be completely subversive of everything you and him and Cas had stood for.

Team Free Will.

It was a stupid name.

You looked back at your brother for the first time in ages and your heart stopped.

He was so still.

So pale.

He looked like he was already dead.

Death was unacceptable. It was one of the rules that your brother stay alive no matter what.

Even if he had to be tricked into it.

Even if you had to lie for the rest of your life to your brother, the one person you should never have to lie to.

You've tried that once. Hadn't you?

Lies never ended well.

But him being alive was more important.

But he would hate you when he found out.

If he found out.

For one terrible moment you contemplated never letting your brother know.

You immediately dismissed the thought; you would be honest with your brother.

 _Not so honest if you're lying to him._

You ignored the thought.

 _He would hate you. Never trust you again. Might even renounce you as a brother._

Your heart thudded painfully. He would never do that. Right?

You were brothers, _family._ Family was always the most important, you would always, always do anything for him.

And he would too.

You knew that, it was law. You and he would always do _anything_ for each other.

One would always save the other, and that was that.

It was what helped you stand against all the monsters, the Apocalypse, Lucifer, Leviathans, everything.

You loved each other dammit and it would never ever change. Not even the friggin' End of the World had changed that.

But you had doubts.

But this might. This might make him leave for good and you would be alone, and that was a fear that would never see the light of day.

You hoped.

The thought that you would not be brothers anymore.

Alone.

The thought sends you into a panic.

Not alone, alone in the never ending darkness and not a light in sight.

Not alone, alone with only water to breathe and you're drowning.

Not alone, all alone, set adrift with no purpose - never needed and you're nothing.

Nothing at all without your brother.

You have never been really alone, not really.

Except for the times you prefer not to think about.

Stanford.

Cold Oak.

Hell.

Apocalypse World.

Lisa and Ben.

Purgatory.

Of those, all of them had been without your brother.

Without your brother, you're alone.

Of those, the time with Lisa and Ben was probably the best.

But there was always the knowledge that he was stuck with Lucifer in the Cage.

Was that how he felt when you were in Hell?

You wonder about the four months, forty years of Hell. You were both alone then.

You never ever want to be alone again.

The Trials were a way for him to be safe.

Safe, without any demons to hover over him.

You were supposed to do it and it would have been perfect.

Perfect with him growing old and a wife and kids and a picket fence and even that stupid dog he had.

Without you.

It wouldn't matter if he was alive. It wouldn't matter because he would be happy enough for the both of you and that would've been the best ending you could imagine.

But he would leave.

You don't want to be alone.

But the job.

But the life you had spent keeping him safe.

But ever repeating mantra; Keep your brother safe. Put him first.

Always, always first.

Always keeping him safe.

It was your job.

Your purpose.

Would you really be so selfish to let your brother die just so he won't die hating you?

No.

Never.

"Do it." You say and the other angels arrive.

You distract them so your brother would be safe, without a second thought.

Later, when you're walking out of the hospital with Ezekiel riding in your brother's body, you have second thoughts.

Your brother acting like that, it was wrong and you felt unnerved at the very sight. It was so much like Lucifer and it was so wrong and you nearly wanted to take your permission back. To tell Ezekiel to get lost. To leave because this wasn't right, not at all, ever never would it be right; tricking someone into getting possessed.

Especially your brother.

But one thing stops you.

One thing shouldn't be enough, what with the various reasons why Ezekiel shouldn't be here, but it was. It was more than enough reason for you to make the same decision a thousand times over.

A million.

Enough for you to make the same decision even if he left, even if he hated you for the rest of his life, you would do it.

One thing stopped you.

Sam's dead body all those years ago.

 **Hands up if you can sorta understand Dean now.**

 **~Cyfir**


	2. Two

**Chapter Number Two. This is post 'The Purge' and sort of the beginning of 'Captives'.**

 **Seriously, the ending of 'The Purge' was just a big punch in the feels, then someone got you in the balls at least twenty times (if you're a guy), then you had an entire month of menstrual cramps without pause.**

 **Maybe I'm exaggerating, but basically the whole thing hurt and was just one giant emotional button.**

 **I mean, there are fics of suicide on AO3 after it and damn if they make you cry.**

 **For this, it's going to be that Dean takes Sam's words way too seriously and has the stereotypical emotional range of a teenage girl after she has been dumped over text and is having her period.**

 _ **WARNING CURSE WORDS IN CHAPTER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**_

It hurt. Like a friggin' son of a bitch it hurt.

It hurt worse than the Asylum nine friggin' years ago.

It hurt worse than when you found out that Sammy had been drinking demon blood.

It hurt worse than when you realized that Sammy was going to hell and he ain't coming back.

It hurt worse than when Cas told you he had betrayed you over and over again for Crowley.

It hurt worse than when Bobby was dead.

It hurt worse than when you found out that Sam hadn't even tried to save you from Purgatory.

It hurt worse than when you found out Sam wanted to die and leave you.

It hurt worse than all of those times put together.

You drank another swig of whiskey and continued listening to AC/DC and all the other bands Dad had liked.

Were you really selfish?

You drank again.

You supposed you were and chose a different song.

It was all your fault anyway.

Listening to Ezekiel, tricking Sam into saying yes, Kevin dying.

All of it.

Your fault.

Just because you couldn't let go.

But you couldn't bring yourself to apologize.

To apologize for keeping Sam alive.

You had wanted to tell. Hadn't you?

But hadn't Ezekiel always reminded you what would happen if Sam found out?

And you always never tried, because you were too afraid to be alone.

Sam had been right.

Sam had always been right.

He had always been the smart one.

But then, you tried to make yourself seem to be right, hadn't you?

Said that if you were dying and that there was no other way, Sam would have saved you.

Like you've always done.

But he didn't.

He didn't and it hurt like in a _fucking_ chick flick where the couple breaks up.

You emptied the bottle and realized that there wasn't any more.

How was it that you sacrificed so much, and asked for so little and Sam didn't want to save him?

Hadn't wanted to be brothers, a family like you've always been?

Had ripped your purpose out and spat on it like you hadn't devoted your entire life to saving him.

It _fucking_ hurt like someone had punched you right in your chest and ripped your heart out and stepped on it. Maybe you was being dramatic, but _damn_ if it felt that way.

You dropped the empty bottle and kicked it over the edge of the bed, not caring about the loud _crack_.

How long ago was it now? You thought,

How long ago had it been since you first dragged Sam back into all of this?

Nine years?

Nearly a decade.

You realized that you were 35 and had been hunting for over three quarters of your life.

You missed everyone.

Mom, Dad, Ellen, Jo, Bobby, the list went on.

You snorted a bit when you considered adding Meg to the list and added her anyway just for the hell of it.

You thought back to the earlier times and laughed a bit when you recalled the pranks you pulled and Sam's face when you had tossed him that clown doll.

You had been brothers back then.

You turned over on to your side.

Not anymore.

The song changed.

There was nearly no other possible way to hurt you like this.

Unless your name was Sam Winchester of course.

You loved him more than life itself and he threw it back in your face.

Then kicked you in the stomach for good measure and ran away.

You knew, though, Sam had good reason to be angry. Angry that he had been possessed.

Again.

But it didn't mean that if you were dying, he wouldn't lift a finger to save you.

But now it did.

The song changed and you listened without really hearing, but something caught your attention.

You thumbed back to the song and read its name.

 _Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas_

Why the hell not?

You hit the play button.

 _Carry on my wayward son_

 _There'll be peace when you are done_

 _Lay your weary head to rest_

 _Don't you cry no more_

You didn't need to listen to this. You reached over for the skip button, but paused.

 _Ah_

 _Once I rose above the noise and confusion_

 _Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion_

 _I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high_

It sounded like Cas, a bit. The flying part at least. You wished that Cas was here.

 _Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man_

 _Though my mind could think I still was a mad man_

 _I hear the voices when I'm dreaming,_

 _I can hear them say_

 _Carry on my wayward son,_

 _There'll be peace when you are done_

 _Lay your weary head to rest_

 _Don't you cry no more_

This song didn't apply to you at all. You were happy with your life. You couldn't be anything else but a hunter. Hunting was what you were.

 _Masquerading as a man with a reason_

 _My charade is the event of the season_

 _And if I claim to be a wise man,_

 _Well, it surely means that I don't know_

 _On a stormy sea of moving emotion_

 _Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean_

 _I set a course for winds of fortune,_

 _But I hear the voices say_

 _Carry on my wayward son_

 _There'll be peace when you are done_

 _Lay your weary head to rest_

 _Don't you cry no more no!_

Well, that sounded a bit like you; never taking the easy way. You certainly wasn't a wise man either, Sam had proven that.

The other bits, they hit too close for comfort.

 _Carry on,_

 _You will always remember_

 _Carry on,_

 _Nothing equals the splendor_

 _Now your life's no longer empty_

 _Surely heaven waits for you_

You snorted. Not friggin' likely. Chances were, with all that had gone down, you were headed below.

 _Carry on my wayward son_

 _There'll be peace when you are done_

 _Lay your weary head to rest_

 _Don't you cry,_

 _Don't you cry no more,_

 _No more!_

You thumbed over to the next song and reached over for the next bottle of whiskey.

 **Okay, you've seen Dean's point of view. Are you feeling like you just had the worst betrayal and feel like going to the corner and crying for a bit?**

 **A) Yes**

 **My job is done. I give you virtual tissues.**

 **B) No.**

 **You are a emotionless rock. I call you, the Tin Man.**

 **C) No, because your writing is really bad and I can't see the feelings at all.**

 **Tell me in the reviews!**

 **~Cyfir**


	3. Three

**Tada! Another chapter, just when you thought it was done. This time, Sam's POV!**

 **For the whole 'Who's the biggest dick in S9?' thing, I'm on the fence. On one hand, Dean pulled a real dick move. He was kind of an asshole when he let Gadreel possess Sam. But, as you can see in the first episode and chapter, he was really desperate.**

 **But that's doesn't mean I think that just because he was desperate it was okay.**

 **Then, there's Sam. Sure, he was the victim, being possessed and all, but the things in 'The Purge' was just plain hurtful.**

 **Especially to Dean as seen in the second chapter.**

 **But, he has his own reasons, and you're going to see them.**

It was not okay. It was never going to be okay if you both kept acting like this.

Dean was infuriating.

You had wanted to go, wanted to be with your friends and family.

To be with Jess and meet Mom and laugh with Bobby again.

To see Ellen and Jo and everyone else.

You even remembered Madison, but you realized that she would have been in Purgatory.

Heaven wasn't for monsters, even if they were good.

You had wanted to leave, you had a choice and Dean had taken that away from you.

By tricking you into being a vessel for an angel.

You remembered Lucifer and you knew that some things were best left alone.

You knew that all too well and because of that, never looked too closely at your memories of the Cage.

How could have Dean done this to you?

He knew that it was wrong and had done it anyway.

Now, Kevin was dead and it was your fault. It was on you for not realizing that was an angel inside of you and booting him out faster that Dean could say pie.

You grumbled at the thought of Dean.

Dean had to apologize, or at least realize that what he had done was wrong. It was your life, not Dean's and he had no right to try and make that choice for you.

Not a few years ago, you were a team that was about free will. Making choices for yourself.

Whatever had happened to that?

And the angel was simply unacceptable. When Ezekiel told Dean about the possession, he should have told him to leave.

Possession should never have been an option.

Not for you. Not for anybody.

Ever.

But, you could admit that you hadn't made your wishes completely clear to Dean. You weren't as detailed as you could've been, but you were so angry.

You wanted to make your own decisions and not have Dean make them for you. You were 31 for Christ's sake!

When Dean had said that you would've tricked him into being alive when he wanted to die, lied to him for months and started a chain of events that lead to people being dead, you had to say that you wouldn't. You had learnt that lying was wrong, the hard way, Ruby and the Apocalypse had taught you that. You wouldn't take Dean's Heaven away from him.

The exact same circumstances, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't take that choice from Dean.

If Dean wanted to go to Heaven and see everybody again, who were you to stop him?

Exact same circumstances, you wouldn't.

 **:)**

 **~Cyfir**


End file.
